The end of 2014 marked 1,5 years in Los Angeles for me, or halfway through the stay my O1-B visa allows. People often ask me if LaLaLand is what I thought it would be. After going through all that trouble to get here, does it live up to expectations? Well, I’m still not married to a 90 year old producer/sugar daddy, so I guess it’s been a major letdown…I kid!
No, in al honesty, it’s a bit of a difficult question, since I kind of gradually eased into LA. I visited Los Angeles as an 18 year old tourist with my family in tow, as a 19 and 20 year old University of Amsterdam student escaping the summers to take acting classes, as a 22 year old to chase a visa for eight months long, and as a 23 year old to try one final time. So I guess the proper way to phrase the question is: How did the final move to LA and hustle to become a working actress compare to the one that had been playing in my imagination all those years? Well, tell you I shall…
Expected
How Long It Would Take to Start Seeing Results
I never – not once – expected some sort of overnight success. This business has always pushed me to my furthest limits in terms of patience, perseverance and keeping my sprit up and I didn’t expect LA to be a magical land where that would all change. I expected that I would have to invest , invest, invest, and well – I am ;)
The Lack of Glamour
There I was: 18 years old, on a road trip with my family, in America for the first time. I remember being all nervous because I had dreamed about LA for so long and because I knew: This is where I’m going to live one day. We drove down from the North (NoCal!) via the Pacific Coast Highway (PCH!) and saw pretty Malibu, the pretty Palisades, the Santa Monica Mountains…and then went to Hollywood.
My socialist home country of Holland doesn’t really have that many super rough looking neighbourhoods or homeless people on the streets, so we were shocked – shocked! – by how unglamorous it was. The Walk of Fame was littered with tourists, street performers and homeless people. The Kodak Theater was situated in a hyper commercial mall void of character. The whole thing was tacky consumerism meets jarring poverty. Note to all tourists: go to Beverly Hills and Santa Monica to see LA like it’s in the movies, and avoid Hollywood & Highland at all costs.
However, all this was old news to me by the time I moved to LA. And now I live in East Hollywood (Eastside!) and it’s nice. As I explained in my Los Angeles neighborhood breakdown before, Hollywood is weird. There are some really dodgy areas but also some really fancy ones. I, somehow, live in a fancy one. Okay, it’s more like a hipster one. Luckily I have many fedoras.
The Kindness On the Street
If you’re having a bad day in LA and you’re getting out of the house, there’s a big chance you feel better after. People are just friendly, open, and say nice things to each other. They are relaxed. Maybe it’s the climate – the beach town attitude. Coming from a country where people are always rushed, pissed off at the weather (for good reasons), livid with other cyclists (also for good reasons), and think you want something from them if you smile or say hello, this is so nice. I will never take this for granted.
Not Expected
Not Everyone Works That Hard
You know how everyone always says that in LA you’re competing against 10,000 other artists? Against all those busses full of hopeful people that arrive here every day? Well, you’re not. I wrote about this before, and still believe it.
One main reason is that not everybody here works that hard. People get lost in the partying scene, expect to get by on their looks, or just don’t have the genuine passion that propels them to persevere and work every free hour of the day. Of all the actors I’ve met in acting classes, I think maybe 10% works as hard as I do. That doesn’t mean that some people don’t get lucky despite not working hard, but luck doesn’t build careers without hard work.
Becoming a Writer
I set out to be an actress myopically and with a (not all that) healthy dose of obsession, and then somewhere along the way really fell in love with being a writer. It all started when I wrote my very first screenplay – just to create English-spoken work for myself – and then got selected for the Dutch screenwriting event Het Schrijfpaleis. Next thing you know I have a short film screenplay that was produced last year, and two feature film screenplays in the works. And I am actually prioritizing those above acting at the moment. They could serve as a vehicle to launch my acting career, sure, but writing has been such an empowering addition to my life even without that prosepct. You can do it anytime, anywhere, without anyone’s permission, which is a nice break from the dependency on others in the acting industry.
The “What Am I Doing Here” Moments
Warning: This is, like, the touchy-feely part of the blog post. Did I expect to have low points during my stay here? Of course! I’m only naive 50,4% of the time and it’s only natural when you move to another country on your own, far away from everything and everyone you know.
But I didn’t anticipate those rare moments where I’m just like: “What the hell am I doing here?” Those moments where I’m just questioning the bizarre, exciting but also often terribly lonely reality I find myself in. Especially every time I come back from Holland and have spent time with m family I have a hard time readjusting.
In LA it’s pretty much sleep, work, work out, repeat. I spend my days and nights thinking about either my career or the fictional characters of my screenplays, so only rarely notice that my heart’s battery is draining. I know that sounds dramatic but what do you expect? This is the blog of an aspiring actress. Anyway,I just mean that being on your own, hustling and picking yourself up day in day out, can leave you a little starved of well, love. So when you finally go see family and friends, and everything is suddenly familiar and loving and you can relax again, the adjustment is extra hard when you get back.
And those are the times you think: “Is my career really more important than having loved ones around you?” I once had a very meaningful revelation that it’s not. But being able to express myself creatively is crucial to me. It keeps me sane. To be happy though, I think you need a balance of family, friends and career. LA doesn’t offer that. I have friends of course, ones I cherish and love, but I miss my family. I miss someone who takes care of me. Just sometimes. Just one day every three months when I’m exhausted and sad and just want to lie on a couch and be hugged.
So, there you have it, the way too long answer to the simple question: is life in LA what I expected it to be? Obviously I’m still a freshman, so I’m sure many surprises still await. And once I start working in the industry, there’s no doubt the real Hollywood scene will also be full of unexpected realities. But I’ll tell you about those when I get there.
Because you know what else I expect? I expect that while my success may not come easily or fast, it will come, and when it does, it will be grand. Majestic. Off the charts. Is that a psychotic thing to believe? Of course. But, you know, a girl born in one of the smallest towns in one of the smallest countries in the world really needs a side of crazy to actually go through with the whole “I’m gonna move to Hollywood” thing.
But since I’m aware it’s crazy, that means I’m still sane…
Right?
Im from germany. I read your Blog since 3.5 years and you are really living my dream i admire you keep going you are amazingly strong
You are so amazingly strong keep going
i am from germany and i Follow your Blog since 2012 you live my dream
Much love and support for many reasons.
#1. You’re an actress who works hard
#2. You make the choice to empower YOURSELF in this industry where there is an accepted disillusion that actors have no control over their career.
#3. All in all, you’re still striving to make it happen for yourself.
Respect,
Cesar Cruz
Thanks for the kind words, much appreciated, and keeps me blogging even when I’m crazy busy.
Hoi Shanice,
Ik heb misschien iets interessants om over te schrijven.eind maart een keer ergens wat gaan drinken of lunch??
Hey Ajen, voor de blog bedoel je? En je hebt me op Facebook toch? Hoor ik wel van je!
Keep the blogs coming! You speak my life as an Aussie in Nashville on an O1 music visa!!! Always a joy to read :-)
Thanks for letting me know that! I really appreciate reading comments :)
Poe ik heb zoveel respect voor je! Ik hoop echt voor je dat je in het rijtje Famke Janssen – Rutger Hauer – Michiel Huisman zal volgen! X Danielle
Danielle, dank je voor je continue lieve commentaar op elke post, waardeer ik echt. Ik ga lekker mijn eigen rijtje creëren!
Totally relate. I come from a smaller market in a city that has grown over my lifetime into a certain nicknamed city for it’s wealth and attitudes. I grew up blessed in many ways, but often working hard towards what I call “striving towards thriving”. I have been back and forth quite a bit in the past 1.5 years since moving out here too and the pace, attitudes and comforts change quickly. It’s like baking your brain on the hot sidewalk, well sometimes that’s how it extreme it feels. There is a level of passion and perhaps even more importantly payoff for all the effort (hustle) put into the days and nights spent studying, researching, submitting, saving contact info and audition details, prepping wardrobe, getting up after a 14 hour day on set with 4 hours of sleep just to take an hour or two to move the car to the other block for street cleaning days (ugh, something expected that gets old real quick). Anyway, the glamour of exploring the hot tourists spots are now traffic jams of frustration as a resident. The over night success is a 10 year give or take journey, which sets me way beyond when I wanted to be here at your age….it took me a long time to get here, so now, I just want to live the dream daily. Cry when I need to let off pressure of being away and giving up closeness with those I love and the rest of my stuff I want to use to continue all my creative passions. Etc. Basically, I relate. Sorry I rant on with detailed answers too.
Hey Holly, thanks for sharing your personal story. I know the struggle can be immense, and it can be hard to keep your head up. I’m actually writing a blog post about this soon, so I hope that helps lift your spirits in some way! The trick is to stay away from frustration and not focus on others. Best of luck!
Awesome post! – fully enjoyed reading it:)
Shanice, your posts are always amazing and beautifully written. No wonders why you’re trying writing now.
Best of luck to you for everything. I absolutely believe you will go far.
Wow, thanks for making my day with that comment!
Enjoyed reading your post – you are certainly a talented writer! I also relate to your post as I’ve immigrated several times in my life and lived in the middle East, South Africa, Europe, Canada and now in L.A.
I can truly relate to your struggles of settling down and the dream of being / living in America.
Being quite a bit older that you and having lived here for 17+ years I wanted to offer you another perspective for living in the U.S. and the challenges most Americans face today.
The first thing you might want to think about is that one day you would likely want to have your own family. If and when you do – everything will change in your including your priorities. (I have two beautiful kids and they changed my life in every way).
The questions you will ask yourself and issues that week concern you will be very different than they are today.
Things like safety, social values, family values and education (affordable and high quality) will be most likely in the forefront of your mind.
Then you might ask yourself if L.A. and the U.S. with its somewhat extreme capitalistic mentality, failing education system, most expensive healthcare system in the world and one of the highest crime rates in the western world is where you would want to raise your kids…a place where kids are under fire in their schools on a regular basis.
You might start to miss the safe socialist environment Holland offers.
And how about having your parents and your kids having a grandparent-grandson/daughter relationship? Cousins and uncles?
Is it worth forsaking all of this for the “dream”?
I know I’m painting a bleek picture. But truth is – I’m having these questions and feelings daily. And this is even though I’ve been very successful here in the U.S. in my career.
The U.S. is FAR from what it used to be 2 decades ago. (Google it to get your perspective). It has fallen far behind many other countries in many critical areas, although if your goal is fame and fortune its still the place to be.
My answer to the above question is NO.
Glamour and glory satisfy our ego (mostly). When you have a family and you’re older, that ego (hopefully) makes way for your love of your family and their best interests come first. Then, you might, like many parents, measure your success in how well you can offer your kids the best environment in which to grow, rather then your own personal success.
I’m sure this might be demotivating for many reading this post and that’s not my intention as I’m a great believer in self actualization and pursuing your passions.
Ultimately, it is my experience and belief that once you reach middle age, most appreciate family and friends much more than a successful career (looks like you already figured that out) and in that case L.A. and the U.S would not be a first choice for a place to live.
Good luck to you and anyone reading this!
Hi Rinbar, what a beautiful, insightful comment. I hope you’re reading this, because I do give the subject a lot of thought, as you can read in this post. For me, although being from the Netherlands has made my journey to LA 10x more difficult, it also gives me a peace of mind that not a lot of artists from the American lower/middle class have. I know that I can always go back to my home country if push comes to shove. I don’t think it will ever be necessary, because I know things will work out here, but it’s nice to have that. I also know that a career without love in your life is empty, and I definitely won’t ever put one above the other. However, for me it’s not so much fame and fortune that draws me to LA, it’s being able to live a creative life, and tell stories. That’s something I absolutely need in order to be happy, and it’s something I felt I wasn’t able to do in Holland. I think in the end it’s all about keeping a clear perspective, and not making a career the only crutch for happiness. Thanks again for your thoughtful comment, hope to read more from you.
Enjoyed reading your post – you are certainly a talented writer! I also relate to your post as I’ve immigrated several times in my life and lived in the middle East, South Africa, Europe, Canada and now in L.A.
I can truly relate to your struggles of settling down and the dream of being / living in America.
Being quite a bit older that you and having lived here for 17+ years I wanted to offer you another perspective for living in the U.S. and the challenges most Americans face today.
The first thing you might want to think about is that one day you would likely want to have your own family. If and when you do – everything will change in your including your priorities. (I have two beautiful kids and they changed my life in every way).
The questions you will ask yourself and issues that week concern you will be very different than they are today.
Things like safety, social values, family values and education (affordable and high quality) will be most likely in the forefront of your mind.
Then you might ask yourself if L.A. and the U.S. with its somewhat extreme capitalistic mentality, failing education system, most expensive healthcare system in the world and one of the highest crime rates in the western world is where you would want to raise your kids…a place where kids are under fire in their schools on a regular basis.
You might start to miss the safe socialist environment Holland offers.
And how about having your parents and your kids having a grandparent-grandson/daughter relationship? Cousins and uncles?
Is it worth forsaking all of this for the “dream”?
I know I’m painting a bleek picture. But truth is – I’m having these questions and feelings daily. And this is even though I’ve been very successful here in the U.S. in my career.
The U.S. is FAR from what it used to be 2 decades ago. (Google it to get your perspective). It has fallen far behind many other countries in many critical areas, although if your goal is fame and fortune its still the place to be.
My answer to the above question is NO.
Glamour and glory satisfy our ego (mostly). When you have a family and you’re older, that ego (hopefully) makes way for your love of your family and their best interests come first. Then, you might, like many parents, measure your success in how well you can offer your kids the best environment in which to grow, rather then your own personal success.
I’m sure this might be demotivating for many reading this post and that’s not my intention as I’m a great believer in self actualization and pursuing your passions.
Ultimately, it is my experience and belief that once you reach middle age, most appreciate family and friends much more than a successful career (looks like you already figured that out) and in that case L.A. and the U.S would not be a first choice for a place to live.
Good luck to you and anyone reading this!
Love your story! So inspiring! I am still in the university, and I am studying business, but I believe that L.A. is my place. I was there a few times to visit a friend and I fell in love with this place, so I decided when I graduate to move there. Thanks for the inspiring post!
Hi Shanice, havent read you in a while, but today i wanted to know about you and im very happy for the update! you made it, you keep the stars in the eyes! :) congrats! first time i read you from Barcelona, now im back home and reading you from Quito, Ecuador (SouthAmerica) and i may have the chance to go to LA to work with a friend! im an actress too so lets hope it happens! i just have one question for you: what do you do for living in LA? i mean, when you arrived i guess you didnt have many jobs for pay the bills, so i want to know if you have an extra job or something. please, pleaseee tell me about it or if theres a blog post about that! waiting for your answer. thanks! and keep rocking!