On May 31st was my first LA anniversary. Yup, it’s been one full year since I stepped on the plane in Amsterdam and left my old life behind. It was little different than I thought it would be, since May was possibly the worst month of my LA life so far. In the span of just one month I got into a pretty bad accident with my one month old motorcycle, had to deal with the financially and emotionally draining aftermath, got hit by a car on my bicycle, slipped with my new motorcycle and both my phone and laptop died. But what matters is that my LAnniversary made me think of all the people that come here, and then leave within one or two years. And the people that come here, and stay. For years and years, sometimes without ever “making it.” It made me wonder which of these people I would belong to…
Life is a crazy thing. When you’ve stepped out of your comfort zone and live without a solid routine you especially often find yourself stopping in the middle of street, or lying awake at night, thinking: “What the hell am I doing? What’s it all about?” Now don’t worry, I won’t try to tackle the meaning of life. This is a Hollywood blog, I must remain shallow! Or maybe I will… As it pertains to acting and artists and LA anyway.
I mean, what are we all doing here? Miles, states, countries, even continents away from our hometowns, just to get a chance to participate in the Olympics of the film industry. Working one, two, or more unfulfilling side jobs, for that very occasional paying acting job. Living paycheck to paycheck – some of us barely enjoying the basics of a modal modern life – for an off chance of success.
But why do we want success? I think because we believe success will make us happy. Does it though? The amount of famous addicted actors and other artists would imply otherwise. What is success, really? When do you call yourself successful? I can imagine that even when you do start working regularly as an actor, you won’t suddenly be happy. You might start comparing yourself to others that are even better off: Actors that get better roles, that film in tropical locations, that get more salary… And I can imagine you’re still always going to be worried in between jobs. And that the pressure only intensifies because of your earlier success.
On top of that I don’t think just career success can provide happiness. I’ve written about this before, I think people need and want more than that. What good is success if you have nobody to share it with?
I recently read an article about scientific research into happiness. It mentioned that on average, people’s happiness comes from things like living close to their family, hanging out with good friends, and doing meaningful jobs. Meaningful not necessarily meaning saving the world, but feeling like your efforts count, like you’re contributing to a process.
And then I thought of LA, full of people that come all by themselves, far away from family, often struggling to find real friends, spending most their time doing non-meaningful side jobs. Suddenly I admired people who make the choice to leave within a year or two, instead of judging them like I previously did. In the end we all just want to be happy, and if you can’t find that here, how long should you stay at it?
How long should I stay at it? Which group of LA actors do I belong to? My bet is on the group that stays. Because while I do absolutely need my family and friends, my happiness for a huge part comes from being able to create. Whether through writing or acting. That’s my meaningful activity. I need it, I really do. The months when I was producing and shooting my short film were some of the happiest of my life. Even back in Amsterdam when my life had turned into a mess, all was right with the world as soon as I got on set.
But I won’t forget that I’m here because I want to be happy. And if ever a time comes that I can’t find that anymore despite really trying, I will need to change things up. Whatever that might entail.
Secretly though, I know everything will be alright. Here in LA. Despite my struggles I feel at home here. My time may not have come yet, but when it does, it will be grand. Grand, I say!
Great!!!:-)
Great post. I can totally relate. My 2 year anniversary is coming up in August and I had the same questions. I ended up discovering a lot about myself. What I’m willing to do and not willing to do to “succeed.” Thanks for sharing!
I love that spirit of yours ! Succes doesn’t equal happiness but happiness makes you succesful ;)
Did you get your SAG card yet?
Really great post… and a nice perspective from the other side (I’ve been here for 14 years now and found both happiness and moments of success.) The happiness fulfilled the times that weren’t so successful. You’ll be alright if you just continue to follow your joy! Much, much happiness and success to you!
Hi Shanice,
Someone recently told me that it’s eaiser to get your O1 visa approved if you travel to Canada and apply from there. Do you know if this is true?
I’ve heard that too! I don’t know the specifics though.
Congrats on your SAG card girl! Did you get it by working as an extra or because of the short film you made?
Actually still waiting for that :| It can take a while. I got it through a web series.
Good luck :0)
I really love your blog! I accidentally run into your blog and just spent like two days reading all the posts starting from the very beginning! Your blog posts will make a good book one day :) So so exciting to read :)
-Sophie
Thanks for the sweet words Sophie!
oh how I love your blog!
I wish you nothing but the best :)
x
Hi there! As a fellow Dutchie I thank you for your words of encouragement. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your article. I hope our paths will cross at some point. I wish you all the happiness. – Luis Alves
I was reading through your old posts and I realized that it’s your birthday today. Congratulations! P.S. What’s the name of the web series you got your SAG card through? I would really like to watch it :)
ehy there. I have been following your blog for a while, from the UK (I am an Italian expat). I turned forty-one (sic) this year and I often lie in bed wondering about what is success, and I wonder what am I still doing here in the UK-since my big break has never arrived. Would have I been better off staying in Italy (I am not an actress, my career path is in social work/domestic violence)? I recently came to a conclusion about all this big fuss of what success is about: success is trying. Failure is ok, because at least we tried (not saying you failed, you are still such a talented young woman with so much time to get your big break!!). I personally judge a failure those who never stepped out of their comfort zone, jumped even if they were terrified, and tried in every possible way to make their dream come true.
I admire you with all my heart and I wish you a long and wonderful career, although in my eyes you already are a successful woman – just keep up the good work, the Universe is watching and listening!
Maria from Manchester UK xx
I’ve, literally, just stumbled onto your blog and now I can’t stop reading it! I, too, am in the space where I’m deciding if I’m going to move back to LA and stay there for good. My heart tells me that I will go wherever I feel like going on any given day, but I know that, like you, I’m not at home unless I’m writing and creating, even moreso when it’s a collaborative effort. This was a great look into the thoughts of someone who thinks just like me. Thanks for sharing!